Bullying Vs. I Don't Like You!

In both FIREFLIES and CHURCH SCHOOL BLUES, the storyline involves kids who have conflict with one another, but only BLUES is about bullying.

In FIREFLIES, the conflicts and changes in the relationship of the little girls of Willow Haven isn't bullying. Disagreeing, quarreling and even some name-calling isn't, in my opinion, bullying. Reena and Kittie disliked each other, Daphne and Rhoda had their own dance of admiration vs. jealousy, and eventually Daphne ended up with Rhoda's best friend, but none of that is bullying.

Bullying isn't about people disliking each other or even dumping one's best friend. It isn't about coming to blows over who gets to sit by someone they both want to be friends with. Bullying is behavior that is persistent and focused on taking away someone else's power. 

Bullying is vampiric behavior. The bully feeds off the fear and pain that they cause in the kid who is vulnerable to them. The bullies in CHURCH SCHOOL BLUES were bored people who craved excitement. Bullying gave them a rush, which they were unable to experience in any other way.

I think this distinction is important while our society is so focused on the issue of bullying.  It is important that people understand the difference between bullying behavior and other behaviors that reflect conflict between personalities.  We don't want to fall into the pitfall of branding kids who misbehave as something they aren't.  The absence of bullies in a school doesn't mean that there will never be a fistfight, or that people won't get their feelings hurt by rejection and snide remarks.  Bully behavior may include the use of fists and the use of rejection and hurtful remarks, but it is more than that.  It is relentless, obsessive, and may continue for years as it did in CHURCH SCHOOL BLUES.

In my other book, PRECIOUS JEWELS, A SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTIST FAMILY SAGA, the Purcell couple had characteristics that fit my definition of bullies.  They were relentless and obsessive in their determination to destroy the reputations of schoolteachers Grace and Ralph Denton, and they continued their campaign from Minnesota to Carolina to have them removed from church membership and barred from teaching in the schools.  Not even the intervention of the highest church authorities in the Dentons' behalf deterred the Purcells from their decades-long efforts to destroy them.  

Granted, the Purcells seemed to me to be more than bullies -- since they were adults, their relentless obsession seems pathological.  With kid bullies, they may grow out of bully behavior when they learn less destructive ways to feel alive, while the Purcells never gave up their craving to consume and destroy.  

  

In Danger of Being Different

Writing Church School Blues gave me new insights, not only into myself, but into those who lived in my world with me.  One mystery that may be partly solved through the process is the mystery of Monique.  Even then, I thought that the intensity of her apparent hatred of me was odd since I had never done anything to her to inspire a grudge.  I could understand why she looked down on me -- everyone else did!  But why the rage?  The others were mean to me, but Monique was obsessed.

It occurs to me now that perhaps the thing about Monique that was so fascinating to me was also the reason she vented her anger upon me: Monique was different, too.  She communicated with her parents, not through voice, but with her hands.  While I thought it was no end of cool that she could talk with her hands, and while she used her ability to further her social goals, is it possible that she feared it could backfire on her?  She made her abilities a thing of admiration in what seemed to be a celebration of her unique family situation.  But perhaps a part of her was ashamed that her folks were different.

So to make sure that it doesn't occur to any one else that she is different, she takes charge of the group of mean kids and marshals them on her crusade against others who are different -- and who, unlike her, cannot talk back either with hands or voice.

She doesn't dare let up, because if she does, she might end up walking in my shoes.

Zoe, The Wild Child in CHURCH SCHOOL BLUES

Zoe wasn't a natural born Dodo.  She had to teach herself how to be mean so that she could join them.  I will say that she was a quick study, for next to Monique, she was the worst enemy I ever had.

But Zoe had a heart which is something a mean kid would do well to be without, because hearts get in the way of things, if not sooner, then eventually.  That is what happened with Zoe, although her heart took over too late to benefit me.

I have sometimes wondered what became of Zoe after 8th grade graduation.  I wonder if she remembers me.  Wonder if she'd be surprised to know that I remember her and how well I understood the choices she made and why she made them.  She was the only one who asked me to forgive her.  That alone is reason to remember Zoe and to hope that life has treated her kindly.

Elder Hargis - A Bad Dude in Church School

Yes, Elder Hargis was a real person.  His name has been changed, as have most of the names in CHURCH SCHOOL BLUES, to protect the guiltier ones. I don't know what became of Elder Hargis after the scandal that removed him from his position at our school.  He wasn't much talked about afterward, probably because no one wanted to buy into a reality where the leaders of church schools couldn't be trusted with children.  The thing that makes scandal and bullying in church school a different topic than when it occurs anywhere else is that church schools make claims of being better, safer, kinder, more righteous places, and Elder Hargis is an indicator that the claims are just that: claims.

The fact is that there are human beings in church schools.  The fact is that you will find sick individuals in church schools just as they are found elsewhere.  CHURCH SCHOOL BLUES isn't anti-church school, although I realize that some may view it so because of the forthright tone of the narrator.  CHURCH SCHOOL BLUES is not written as an exposé.  In fact, I have watered down some of the facts in consideration of persons involved.  It is not written in anger, and if you read the book, I think you will agree that the narrative voice is not angry.

CHURCH SCHOOL BLUES tells the story the best I could tell it without causing more damage today.  I have retained the basic facts that were needed to keep the story's integrity; and that wasn't an easy task.  The story needed to be told, it needed told for years before I was able to tell it.  The reason it needs to be told is that kids in church school who have problems which are denied by the church community are trapped without a way to get help.  Bad things do happen in religious homes and religious schools, and I hope that in the years since I lived BLUES that the religious communities are no longer perpetrating the myth that they are immune to the tragedy of abuse in all its varied forms.